Needing to escape the eastern Canada weather that was making a guest appearance on the West Coast that turned into a multi episode arc, it was time to pack our bags and head south of the border.
This highly anticipated trip started out with a bit of a glitch seeing as the trip planner, an alleged friend of ours from Calgary, sent a text on the day we were leaving containing the most casual bow out of a vacation I’d ever seen or heard.
Before we get into that let’s rewind and get everyone up to speed on how this all came about.
In January our “friend”, let’s call him Terry, got everyone on board to head down to Playa Del Carmen. Now we were pretty set on going to Cabo, as any place that is home to Cabo Wabo is immediately awesome and having been there many times already, we know it and we love it. However, we were willing to give Playa a try if a group of people were going, who are supposedly fun.
As we are not ones to be wishy washy about going on vacations, hotels were researched and flights were booked.
Fast forward to the middle of February. Terry still hasn’t booked his flight, but assures us he’s waiting for the best deal as he is using his Aeroplan miles. Fair enough.
Terry then talks a big game about going all inclusive golfing with my brother in law, how we were going to have such an awesome time, that there were tons of cheap food and beer to be had...note to readers, the next time someone boasts all of these things to you, tread lightly. They could be spinning you a web of lies.
Except for the cheap beer. Mexican Wal-Mart yo!
This is where things start to get shady. It’s now a week before we leave and collectively we’ve all been trying to get a hold of Terry to see if he’s booked his flight. Do you think he responds? No he does not. Not to texts, not to emails, nada.
Finally it’s the day we leave. Time to cue up the most casual vacation cancellation via text message ever... “Didn’t book a flight. Many apologies”
What’s that now son? Come again? Just those two sentences were enough to cover the entirety of this fuckery? Yah it was super, super cool of you to plan this whole vacation and then not even go on it.
I can’t even place enough WTF’s in here to explain just how furious this made me. I’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that the one thing that pisses the majority of people off in this crazy thing we call life are people who bail out of shit at the last minute. In the immortal words of Jennifer Aniston – Uncool.
Hey Terry? You suck at life. Catch you on the flip side.
So with the bitter taste of bad friend in our mouths, I sent that message to text heaven and we were off to Playa Del Carmen and we were going to make the best of it.
And that we did. But I bet you’re wondering what the man scoop is, as that’s what this is all about after all! Well hold on to your hats, because it’s about to get real.
Going into this one would think that Mexico would filled to the tits with men, as it is vacation season after all and everyone knows what happens to people when they go on vacation. Much like Poison, they want action.
And usually Mexico is the perfect place to engage in this Russian roulette game of future STD’s and unwanted pregnancies. But nay.
On our first venture out into Playa things seemed potentially good, or maybe that was the Sol infused with lime and salt (why) altering our perception as well as our bellies. Side note – salt is not sexy. True story. Through closer inspection it appeared that what seemed like a ton of men around soon turned out to be a ton of men hunting for other men. What we did not know about Playa, but learned about a week too late was that it was home to one of the biggest gay communities on the East Coast. On top of that, not only did we have dude on dude all around us, the other key element making single people here a minority was couples. They were everywhere!!!
There they were strolling down 5th in the most awkward walking situations I’ve ever seen, more like a wrestling submission hold than a hand hold. They were doing some glorious face touching and same side of the table eating next to us at dinners. They were rubbing down each others bodies and naked old lady boobs at the beach, not to mention one couple that added a skin crawling bonus by doing some finger bang pantomiming. To sum it up, this week was doomed for any chance of meeting a single man.
Double fingering the sky and cursing Terry’s name, clearly the only way to make up for the lack of men and not feel like the only single person in Playa was to drink my weight in margaritas and do an inhuman amount of tequila shots.
To condense the week, here are some of the highlights: right of the bat I received an amazing forehead sunburn once again, most likely sealing the fate of my future health, deciding that we needed to kill our terrible case of lime and salt beer in one night, the introduction of the Criminal Minds drinking game which turned out to be a bad idea, creamy tequila shots in the flavors of strawberry and mango do not feel good after the 15th use of the word UNSUB.
Tasting almost every variation that Playa had to offer of the lime margarita, finding the perfect substitute taco to mend our broken Taco Loco hearts - We love you Cabo, sorry we cheated on you! – perfecting a signature dance that can be altered for any type of song, you only need to use you arms, so I suppose it’s more of a seated dance than anything. Hilarity definitely ensued.
The introduction of the hipster glasses that are sure to be used many more times this year, finding out that wine really can save your life, the sightings of more than one tattoo of a double dolphin jumping over the moon, ocean, sun, etc and declaring everyday to get one ourselves after all the tequila we drank kicked in. And last but not least, teaching the fine art of shot gunning to the locals with many thanks to Scott and Kale from Calgary. We had a blasty blast that day, and yes the Flames still suck!
I’m going to say that there was much more, but my mind just isn’t what it used to be my friends.
We definitely had a lovely time, it was nice to finally see the sun, and the salt water always does great things to your hair for that I just rolled out of bed look, though I guess that was a waste. I hope that the gays enjoyed it at least!
Can’t say that I would return to Playa, but as usual there are two recommendations – lime margaritas make everyone’s life better, and there are no lack of good ones there, and we had the single most delicious fish tacos in our lives there as well. If I could remember the name of the place everyone would win here, but alas I cannot.
As for the conclusion to the Terry story, it might be possible that he has alztimers as just last night I got another way too cash text, 3 words, all of them sending my irritation level to infinity and beyond.
Drum roll please... “how was playa”. That’s it. No capitals, no punctuation necessary.
It must be nice live in a world where not much else matters except being drunk and pretending you didn’t book vacations to go on.