Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Mancouver Summer

Over the past couple of weeks I’ve gone to a few events and places that can’t be profiled in full because:

Some of the memories are non existent or pretty vague
Some people might be offended
Some of it just isn’t worth mentioning at all

However, there were some lessons to be learned, and I hear that summer is upon us, so why not do a combination of both to see where you should and should not go on those hot summer nights!

1.   Fundraisers – The next time someone asks you to go to their fundraiser, don’t. Just give them a nice donation for whatever cause they are having said fundraiser for and save yourself the trouble. Now your friends will try and lure you there with the bait of single hot men. Don’t get caught in this trap. Because when you get to the fundraiser you will find that these single men will be replaced with married men and their children. The fundraiser will also be held somewhere that is inconvenient for anybody and everybody to get to. This is also a pain because then you need to plan a ride home, because you will want to be drunk if you do end up going. Really, really drunk.

2.   Canvas – a club in Gastown. An R&B club if you will. If you’re looking for something particular, say of the African American (Canadian?) variety, you will find it here. They also have a pretty great reggae room on one side as well. Practice your best booty shake and dance the night away.

3.   The Cactus Club on Burrard – A hot pot of men. In fact, I’ve never seen so many men in a lounge before. I would highly suggest going on a Thursday or Friday around noon and staying all day. You will see a lot of things go down in this time. Some men might even purchase escorts. True story. They also make many delicious cocktails, and have a patio that is worthy of after work people watching galore.

4.   Any pub, anywhere – It’s the Stanley Cup finals. IF you can get into a place, it will be loaded with men. However, don’t be offended if any of the men would rather look at Burrows or Kesler while the actual game is on. Don’t be stupid.
It’s also patio season. Find one on a sunny afternoon. There will be men on it. Stay for hours. Repeat the next day if necessary.

5.   The dog beach – There are a few of them in Vancouver. Pick one. There’s always some dude there with his dude like dog. Be warned that there are also a lot of couples there as well though, holding each other and contemplating life while taking in the view. If you can stomach this, give it a try. 

6.   Hastings Race Track – Do you like drinking? Do you like drinking in the sun? Do you sometimes enjoy wearing a jaunty hat? Then look no further, because they have all these things and more at the track. Gather a bunch of friends, grab your hats, and book your very own booth for day drinking and sharp dressed men ogling. Apparently it’s a thing to get dressed up and go to the races. I’m not complaining.

7.   The Waldorf Hotel Tiki Bar – After you’re done taking in the races, why not head down to the Waldorf for even more cocktails? You’re already wearing a jaunty hat, and where better to show it off next than here. The Tiki Bar hasn’t changed much since its hay day and it really doesn’t need too. They have summery cocktails, a playlist to take you back in time and hey, you can dance too!

8.   Wreck Beach – There’s only one statement for this – get wrecked at Wreck. Just make sure you can get back up those stairs. If old man peen and hairy naked ladies doesn’t float your boat and you can find no humor in it at all, then stick to Kits or English Bay. These beaches have fools and douchebags a plenty if that’s more your thing. Be incognito if you’re going to drink though, the VPD beach patrol is out on the prowl, and they don’t like fun or jokes.

9.   The PNE – Epic, EPIC people watching in the beer gardens and during the free concerts. You will not be disappointed. Also, who can resist eating every greasy thing in sight (Perogies!!) paying outrageous amounts of money for everything that they sell there (I’m looking at you Market Place Show Room) and waiting in extremely long lines to go on rides that haven’t been safety checked since the fair started I’m sure (Mouse Trap!).... I can’t wait to go!

10. Whistler – With much more reasonable prices than during the winter, it seems like it’s a lot easier to get up here in the summer time. The dirty snowboarders are replaced with dirty BMX rider and the snow is replaced with burning hot sun, but that doesn’t change a thing for the patios. They are just as busy as they are in winter. Get to the Longhorn early to grab prime seating, work on your tan, and admire the cute boys doing flips and shit with their bikes.

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