Got to get you into my life

Not one to give up easily on an establishment with delightful drinks and fairly good lounges, we decided to give Joey’s another go, just at a different location.

This is where Joey’s on Lougheed comes in. Again, not to be confused with the other Joey’s on Lougheed...why are there so many of these places in such close proximity to each other? That’s a question for another day I suppose.  

This particular Joey’s is in Burnaby, or BBY if you will. We chose it due to the fact that it was 5 minutes away from our collective work places and the fact that not even a week in, we were craving those sliders like they were going out of style. So much so that it was effecting my work day. I needed these things in my life and I needed them stat.

If you don’t know what slider’s are here’s what you need to know... They are three mini burgers with the perfect amount of accessories on them and the softest bun you have ever had in your life, and most likely your mouth. If a burger bun could be a cloud, this one is it. Am I ashamed of my passionate description of the slider? Not. One. Bit. 

Once I came out of my slider haze I took a good hard look around the room. It was mostly dudes and it was quite a mixed bag. Hobbit sized dudes, the ever present douche bags and old men, colleagues and associates, cougars, and potentially good looking bearded guys.  

We were only there for a short stint due to exhaustion (too much brain power used on fantasizing about those sliders perhaps?) and the fact that American Idol was on at 8. Judge if you will, but JLo is super pretty in HD.

We made the executive decision to return on a Thursday or Friday after work and see what kind of man offerings Joey’s has for us on those days.

It wasn’t bad, it wasn’t great however, and this might be the sliders talking, but I think it could be a potential gold mine.

Another highlight? The discovery of the spiked lemonade. I imagine that having a handful of these would be like a punch to the face and a party in your pants. I highly recommend them.

Thanks again Joey’s.

Out with the old and in with the old

While out with a friend of ours discussing project Good Guy, she threw out the suggestion to check out Joey’s in Bentall One on Burrard. Not to be confused with Joey’s on Burrard.... Yes.

I had heard this place mentioned before for ladies who are going out trolling, as it had potential to be a mini metropolis of men seeing as there’s a clusterfuck of office towers around this particular area of Vancouver.

After assessing all the information we decided to venture out into the office tower jungle.

Upon entry and doing a quick survey of the room something seemed very suspicious. I had a sinking feeling that something was amiss...and then it hit me...OLD MEN!

Yes, there they were in all their glory, a literal bonanza of business suits and finger guns a blazin.

Question – if you are a young lady waitressing in a bar/pub/restaurant, is it awesome to have your dad and his friends undressing you with their eyes for your entire shift?

I know, I know, they tip enough to keep you clothed and fed for the next decade, but you must want to shower a multitude of times when you get home. Shame shower. We’ve all been there.

As the night wore on, we realized that the clientele wasn’t getting any younger and neither were we. This brings us to the hilarious cameo of a young gentlemen who I’m sure was some higher ups legal assistant but in his mind is “the guy behind the guy”, who had a walk that was half gangster rap, half 80’s wrestling intro. But wait there’s more. Not only did he have the walk, he had a dude tailing him who bore a striking resemble and possibly had the same job requirements as Turtle from Entourage. If I was able to ever stop laughing I would have felt a little bit sorry for him. Turtle that is.

After vowing to never again take suggestions on places to find men from our so called friend, we decided to quiz our waitress to find out the real scoop on this place.

Our waitress was a lovely young lady who had recently moved here from Calgary and through talking to her we discovered that she too had the same struggles of where to find men in Vancouver and this is where she dropped the bomb on us. And not the good R&B kind.

The bomb being that the influx of old men around us? Yah they were the regulars.

No younger men to be had here, at least not often enough to make anyone shout “come here this place is crawling with available youngish men!”

And that was that. We thanked the waitress for her honesty and she wished us well on our journey and advised us to come back if we ever find the holy grail of men.

High point of the night? On our way out we were pleased to see that Gangster Walk and Turtle were tucking into a bottle of white wine together.

It doesn’t get better than that.

The two important things I learned about Joey’s that night? – vodka Supernovas and sliders.

Your mouth doesn’t know what it’s missing.

What would Brian Wilson do?

This was not our finest night to meet men, as it was filled with drunken shenanigans, but a fun story to tell regardless.

Since there was an impending dinner reservation in the evening, we figured what better way to get ready for that than having pre drinks. Am I right? Right. To get the job done we chose the Cactus Club in White Rock. It has a pretty excellent lounge, though the downside is that it’s usually ridden with douche bags and the girls who buy drugs from them, but luckily for us we were early enough to avoid this.

How is this possible you ask? Because there are not many douches that have actual real jobs to get to, they are usually out and about in lounges at all times of the day. Douche knows no time. But as we all know from watching Jersey Shore once or twice (you know you’ve done it while nursing a hangover) it takes a good chunk of their day for them to get ready, so going anywhere outside the realm of 8 pm is a pretty tight squeeze. Plus after you go to a lounge, you must then attend a bar and as I’ve been told by many a douche and douche hangers on, no one goes to a bar before 10....but I digress. Back to the story.

I definitely think the afternoon crowd has potential, but due to a dip fiasco and early drunkenness fueled by two bottles of wine guzzled in record time, my brain wasn’t entirely focused on the task at hand.

We shall be back Cactus Club! And for the food update the Goat Cheese & Feta Flatbread is NOT a substitute for dip, but it is indeed delicious. Try it with a side of parm dip, it might just blow your mind. 

Let’s also toss out a fist pump for the Brazilian. Who knew muddled kiwi’s could be so tasty. 

That brings us to our next stop, the Washington Avenue Grill on White Rock beach. A supposed haunted old house, we would soon find out just exactly what it was haunted with....old men.

As soon as we entered we were accosted by said old men. And when I say men I mean just that, because there wasn’t just one. It was all downhill from there.

Between the being asked to dance, being gestured over to a table to hear the vomit inducing line “I knew I could make you cum with one finger”, and being given roses like we were contestants on the Bachelor, the night soon turned into the train wreck it was destined to be after four bottles of wine.

So no men here, but would be a really great spot to take a date once anyone finally gets one.

The food? Outstanding. The martinis? Double outstanding. They must have been good seeing as we were drinking them like shots.

Special shout out and high fives to Tristan for putting up with our shit.

So how does one end a night filled with future Hugh Hefners and enough booze to kill a horse? There’s only one answer for this. Karaoke.

Thanks to The Sandpiper Pub down the road from the WAG, our prayers were answered.

Though the details are blurry, here are some things I know for sure: that there was an intense sing a long to Brian Wilson, that I’m almost positive I might not have heard since the 90’s which upped it’s intenseness quota, the ripping of a microphone out of someone’s hand because they weren’t doing Teenage Dream justice, being witness to a mild dance floor raping from a cougar on a poor unfortunate young man, only to then have said cougar kiss her equally cougary friend. Finally, the night capped off with a car ride home with Don’t Stop Believing on volume 1000. All in all a pretty good night I would say.

Having been to the Sandpiper before, I knew there was a lack of age appropriate men, but there might have been some potential for ladies on the prowl for teens and those in the early 20’s age group. They’re there. Get there and dance up on them!

Every little thing he does is magic?

Our next stop was again out in the boonies at The Big Ridge Brewing Company in Surrey. Having pieced together the thoughts “men” and “beer”, we figured that one of those two things should be at this place. Having gotten there fairly early the place was a bit sparse, but we decided that the night was young and there was beer to be had. As the afternoon wore into evening we were unpleasantly surprised that most of the people arriving were there on dates...but of course! It’s the weekend before Valentines Day’s. Awesome.

Then we started noticing that the people who weren’t there on dates were a strange breed of solo diners, almost as if they were out on their day pass from the institution... if you’re picking up what I’m throwing down.

So amidst a sea of couples and crazies, there we were. Two single ladies with a target on their backs. A target that clearly said if you are a magician, get up in my grill because we love magic. Here’s the funny thing though. I totally don’t love magic.

And so here’s where Rick comes in. The pubs weekly magician (?). Tricky Ricky turned out to be a nice enough man, but not really the caliber that we were looking for. In between the balloon animals, sexual innuendos, card tricks, Youtube video plugs and pictures of his daughter, we knew it was time to bid this place fucking adieu and take our sorry asses home.

The final breakdown of this place? If you are into pretty amazing nachos, magic and a decently brewed beer, give this place a go.

Wine with a side of douche

Our first venture out wasn’t actually a mission to find men, but more of a business meeting to discuss the goals of this new project we’ve taken upon ourselves. A fact finding mission if you will. Destination? Brown’s Social House in Walnut Grove.

While I was enjoying my glass (bottle) of wine I glanced around to see if there was any potential hanging around the lounge. Boy was there not.

While the douche bag epidemic grows world wide, nowhere does it run more rampant in the lower mainland than Langley. Now I already knew this going into Brown’s, this wasn’t my first rodeo after all, but I was trying to keep an open mind. Sometimes there could be a diamond in the rough.

Instead, there was what there usually is – a collection of tribal flash art on a canvas of Ed Hardy, True Religion and mursed bodies. I’m pretty sure Eminem gave up triple x sweatpants in his older age, so should everyone else. The men here were a write off, however the Cowboy salad is fabulous! 

Also a fun side note – the Mimosas and Caesars are $4.50 on the weekend. Throw one or four in your mouth and wash the douche away.